How do you scare a terrorist?

Sounds like the opening line to a joke, eh? Well, I guess I'll entertain any good punchlines, if you can come up with one. I can't really do that at this point 'cause I'm just so frustrated.

The Chicago Tribune this morning had a front-page article on Kerry's loss of support from American women. For some reason, of all the election coverage I've read over the last year, this article has bothered me the most. It may be partly because anyone who knows most anything about Presidential elections knows that you don't become President if you don't carry the female vote. And the fact that Kerry is now blowing that is the most clear proof I've seen yet that he's not gonna pull this out.

But I think the thing that amazes me the most is that women -- or at least the women who were interviewed for this article -- indicate that even though they disagree with Bush on major social issues, all of those issues must be put on the back burner while we make our country safe. I'm just ... stunned. Speechless. Luckily, I can still type.

The fear-mongering has worked. Say what awful things you want about the Bush administration (and believe me, I have, though mostly to the inside of my car's windshield as I listen to news on the radio), but they are entirely superior to the Kerry campaign in absolute control of a message. They apparently have a majority of Americans convinced that America is safer when they are in the cockpit. But the notion stuns me ... Not that people would think that Bush is the better protector, but that anyone in the Oval Office would be a better protector than someone else.

Bush-Cheney have gone on and on about how Kerry's "flip-flops" mean that he would be wishy-washy on national security, and that somehow this would "send a message" to al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations that we won't strike back.

Think about that for a moment: Members of this terrorist organization happily take the wheel as they drive their [insert mode of transportation here] into [insert building here], taking their own life. They are willing to strap bombs to themselves and press the button as they call out a prayer. Do you really think they're scared of our reprisal?

All the terrorist organizations care about is how effectively they terrorize. If they are hunted down and killed in the aftermath, so be it -- they believe they die as martyrs and will be glorified in Heaven. The big, scary U.S. military machine is not their concern. Does Bush actually believe that Osama bin Laden thinks: "I better not blow that bridge up, because then America might really be mad and hurt me!" Umm, no. Their only concern is this: "Where are the weak spots in the borders of the U.S. that will allow us to strike?"

Now, is Bush any better at strengthening all weak spots than Kerry is? I suggest that there's no difference. In fact, I suggest that, as much as the workers under different administrations change, in the end, they are all getting essentially the same advice about protecting our country. In fact, when you get into the upper echelons of security experts in our government, I bet they are specialized enough that you would find the exact same people working for both administrations!

Richard Clarke worked for both administrations, and I bet that was because he was the best at what he does. Whoever the current equivalent of Richard Clarke might be (if there is one), if (s)he really is the best person for that job, I submit that a Kerry administration would be smart enough to keep that person on board. The whole idea that Bush is protecting us ... that Kerry would protect us better or worse, seems ignorant of the many, many advisors and aides to these men who shape their policy and tell them what to do and what not to do ... and to the thousands and thousands of people out there actually doing the protecting -- none of which will be out of a job based on who you vote for in November.

If you are honestly choosing to vote for Bush because you think that there will be any difference in the level of security under him versus a country under Kerry, then you have bought a line. You've been "handled." You've been manipulated. You just may want to look at some other criteria for who your next leader is going to be.

What to do when your baseball team has been blown out.

WGN radio personality John Williams is a bit of a trivia buff, in the sense that the most trivial things can sometimes fascinate him. This must be one of the reasons that I like John, because I too have this interest for useless information.

Many things about John's show frustrates me — he can be frighteningly shallow sometimes when he attempts to become serious — but for the most part, he is very fair and (to me, at least) entertaining. On several occasions throughout this baseball season, John has wondered aloud about the number of actual baseballs used in a regulation major league game. He asked one woman going to a game to count for him, but he never really heard back from her.

My wife surprised me with tickets to the Cubs-Expos match-up on my birthday (Labor Day), and while it was nice to see the Cubs win one for a change (I almost always seem to catch losses at Wrigley), in this case the Cubs were winning so handily that I was getting as restless as my two-and-a-half year old daughter by the seventh inning. So I let my mind wander, thinking about the "counting baseballs" thing. And i devised in my head a way to score the baseball. Not the baseball game — the baseball.

We caught another game on Sunday — Cubs-Marlins this time — and after having run a few test innings through the week, I tried a whole game of watching the baseball and home plate umpire Bill Hohn closer than the actual action. The result was a rather thorough report, which I compiled (with analysis) for John Williams and sent to him yesterday afternoon. He teased it at the end of his show yesterday, so it looks like he'll be talking about it on the air sometime soon.

If you're interested in useless information as much as the next person — and hey, you're already reading a blog, fer chrissakes, so you must have a little extra time on your hand! — you are welcome to download my report (in PDF format). (This document will only be available on the server for a limited time, so if the link doesn't work and you're interested in seeing it, click the "Email me directly" link on the left and I'd be happy to provide you with your own copy.)

I'm sitting in my basement ...

... working on some stuff for my "night job," and I've left the monitor on. The other end of the monitor is in Piper's bedroom. She has not made noise for an hour, since Mommy put her down. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she begins singing in a clear (and surprisingly in-tune) voice several verses of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm." I'm not sure if she had fallen asleep and woke up to sing this song, or if she's just been lying there thinking about things and decided she needed some music to accompany her thoughts. (The Justin Roberts CD that was playing has long since died out.) The real entertainment comes when she runs out of animals. Not that that should ever slow down a determined late-night "Old MacDonald" singer.

Old MacDonald had a farm, E - I - E - I - O
And on this farm he had a daddy, E - I - E - I - O
With a "Hi, hi" here, A "Hi, hi' there,
Here a "Hi," there a "Hi,"
Everywhere a "Hi, hi"
Old MacDonald had a farm, E - I - E - I - O.

It doesn't stop there: She continues with verses about Mommy, Gammy (Laura's mom), Gammy Jean (my mom), and Penny (Gammy Jean's dachshund). Penny doesn't get a "Hi, hi;" she gets the more apropos "Woof, woof." After a few more minutes of silence, "Rock-A-Bye, Baby" starts up, but I can already hear her starting to fade again. She barely gets out the last line — the one I modified to remove some of the morbidity of that song:

When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall And Daddy will catch you, cradle and all.

One of the greatest rewards of parenting is the knowledge that — for a few years, at least — there is one soul out there who believes you to be omnipotent. I certainly don't want her believing it for long. But it's good for her to feel that now, and hell, it certainly makes me walk an extra foot off the ground.

It's been a quiet coupla months in Lake Wobegone....

So we've quickly adjusted to many things ....

• The shock of being not just a homeowner, but a homeowner of a vintage (ca. 1925) home. In the first month-and-a-half, we had electrical and plumbing issues, at least partially related to the age of our home. "Well," our real estate agent said, "that's why I always say to put an extra 2% of your purchase price aside for situations just like this." Laura and I looked at each other and then simultaneously said to him: "You never told us that."
  
  
• The constant upstream battle against the "customer service" branches of just about every utility in the world. I have thought very seriously of starting a separate blog just for my remarkable travails with SBC, Comcast, AT&T Wireless, GE Medical Systems, ADT Security, Allstate Insurance, ComEd, NiCor, and I'm sure others that I'm way too exhausted/angry to think of at the moment. Then I realized that I'm barely keeping this blog alive, and the last thing I need is to start another blog I never write in.
  
  
• The reality that we're really going to be parents again. Yes, Laura is 22 weeks along. For those of you not into math, that would be a due date of around January 11. Every once in awhile, we look at each other at around 9 p.m., after we've put Piper down and we're trying to figure out if we can stay awake long enough to go water the yard in the dark or work on ridding the paper pile-up on our dining room table ... and we can't believe we're going to do this again. Early on, we asked Piper if she would rather have a baby brother or a baby sister. Piper was very clear every time we asked: "A baby sister." I thought it best that we find out the gender of the baby so that she would have plenty of time to adjust, lest she be getting a brother instead. But once again, Her Royal Highness will be getting just what she wants.
  
  
• The idea that summer is coming to a close ... and yet Chicago never really had it. It seems like all through July and August, we were setting records for new LOW temperatures. We had the occasional spate of warm days, but it was kind of a drag of a summer overall. I think Piper's three-day-a-week babysitter, Marta, has decided that this is the way Chicago is every year. She's moving back to Slovakia. And football's already here! I can't believe it. And speaking of sports ....
  
  
• The slow realization that the Cubs are not the team everyone said they would be. Hell, there are still baseball analysts that say the Cubs are the team to beat if they make it to the post-season. People, they've had 130+ games to prove that they're the team to beat, and they've been beat pretty well by just about everybody. What makes you think that they're going to make it past the first set of playoffs, if they get that far? I'm holding out for a miracle and a good, long winnning streak here in the waning days of the season, but the words "Wait 'til next year" are slowly coming into better and better focus.

I miss you all, and I'm looking forward to more writing here soon.

New home ownership and writing.

In short, the two don't mix. And it's too bad, because I have some great stories to tell about the move, about the settling in, about Piper and her New Back Yard®, and about everyday life .... Just the kind of stuff that leaves you hanging on my every word, I'm sure.

But hey, life is so busy now that we don't even have time to celebrate. Father's Day, Laura's and my fifth anniversary, Laura's birthday ... all have been put off until August. Which is okay, since the month doesn't have any other fun holidays anyway. So I hope things calm down soon, and I can settle in to my nice, new office chair and churn off a few hundred words here on a more regular basis.

Until then, imagine me organizing the pantry, weeding our yard, and standing in a mish-mosh of unpacked boxes in our utility room storage area ....

I guess they don't fall far from the tree.

Rumor has it that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's new baby was conceived in Fuji, while Chris was making a Cameo at a Gala celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Macintosh. Can anyone confirm?

Mr. Pronunciation Wanker Goes to Washington.

Less than three hours into the senate hearings on the abuses at Abu Ghraib, and I can bring you this completely trivial note: I have already heard nine ways to pronounce the prison's name:

1. aboo greb
2. aboo gah-reb
3. aboo gobb
4. aboo gah-rabe
5. aboo gah-reeb
6. aboo gabe
7. aboo grabe
8. aboo grob
   
   And my personal favorite:
   
   
9. aboo gobby

For the record, the correct way to pronounce it (as best as I can surmise) is version number one above.

Your Pentagon at work.

For all the media punditry filled with accusations about politicians and our government (no matter who is currently in office), it's still amazing when someone gets caught red-handed. One of those moments happened for me over the weekend when, while packing glassware for our move, I watched the April 23rd edition of NOW with Bill Moyers I had TiVo'd.

The subject was the current administration's rather embarrassing record on the environment -- admittedly an easy and frequent target, and one of those many issues where both sides can battle back and forth with their own version of the facts. But this time, Carl Pope, the executive director of the Sierra Club, caught the Pentagon in a bald-faced lie.

It's so deliciously evil that I just had to share it with you. Enjoy.

(I've edited the relevant portion of the original transcript for brevity but did not change any of the original context, and added my own emphasis in italics at the end.)

DAVID BRANCACCIO: ... I was just seeing a press release on Earth Day from the military, the Department of Defense, calling itself a good steward of America's environmental heritage. I was surprised that the department said they've dedicated nearly $4 billion a year to environmental programs. They talk about their work on the Red-cockaded Woodpecker preservation....

CARL POPE: ... The Red-cockaded Woodpecker is a very interesting story. Oh, in March, a month before we went into Iraq, the Defense Department, the Pentagon, went up on Capitol Hill and insisted that the military needed an exemption from the Endangered Species Act. And they got one. And the explanation they gave was they handed a fact sheet to Congress which said that at Fort Stewart, Georgia, where five percent of the world's remaining Red-cockaded Woodpeckers nest, protecting those nesting sites had interfered with training realism. Shortly after they got this exemption, the Third Army, which trains at Fort Stewart, went into Najaf and Karbala and was given instructions to not damage the Tomb of Ali, not damage the Tomb of Hussein, not damage any of the oil fields, not damage any of the villages. The Third Army fought superbly. It looked like training that way in Fort Stewart had helped them. And I went online and I found a peer-reviewed Army study which talked about the Red-cockaded Woodpecker and training realism at Fort Stewart, Georgia. It was the study on which the fact sheet was based, except the crucial paragraph in the study said protecting the Red-cockaded Woodpecker had enhanced training realism. And the Pentagon Congressional Relations Office just took the word "enhanced," substituted the word "impaired" and gave it to members of Congress as an argument for getting an exemption. The fact is, the Pentagon knows how to live like a good environmental steward. This administration doesn't want to let the Pentagon do that.

Beautiful, eh? And of course, here's one little TV show -- already dismissed by any conservative wing as being insanely liberal ... and God knows that the Sierra Club is no friend to the Bush administration ... and of course, absolutely nothing will be done.

It's enough to make me want to give up, but instead I decided to try to spread the word a little bit more through my small megaphone.

Life with Piper II

(Originally written back in February; edited today)

One of the most amazing things about being the father of an almost-two-year-old is the opportunity to see how the developing mind works. Um, Piper's, not mine.

Last night, she was having a hard time falling asleep. It was past 10:00, and she was still calling out and making noise from her crib in her dark room. Laura finally headed back there and spent some more time with her.

Piper said, "Martan." This is not unusual these days. She's talking a lot, introducing several new words every day, and she's not very good at pronouncing a lot of them. But we always give a good yeoman's effort to understand what she said. So Laura tried:

"Mittens?" she asked.

Piper shook her head, concentrated hard, and said the word again: "Mar .. tan."

"Marta?" asked Laura, referring to the woman who babysits Piper twice a week.

Again, a shake of her head indicated this wasn't correct. So Piper thought for a minute, and then locked eyes on her mom and said: "Gorilla."

"Gorilla?" asked Laura, and this time she got a nod. Perplexing at first. But then Laura traced back through the evening, and remembered the book that Piper and I were reading together before bedtime. There were lots of pictures of animals, and I was pointing at them and asking Piper what they were. At one point, I pointed at a red-haired primate. "What's that?" I asked. She thought for a moment, and then said: "Gorilla." To which I pointed, and said: "Orangutan." To which Piper repeated: "Ran ... tan."

So Mom said to Piper: "Are you saying 'orangutan?'" Piper enthusiastically nodded: "Yes!"

A dumb story, perhaps, but it amazed us. In her desperation to be understood, she asked us to recall something from earlier. By saying "gorilla" to Laura, she was really saying: "Do you remember earlier when I thought something was a gorilla, but it wasn't? That's the word I'm trying to say."

The resourcefulness of a toddler is practically the eighth wonder of the world.

Okay. Break's Over.

or, What I did on my Blog Vacation. By Me.

1. Bought a house. Well, I'd already mentioned that here, but we signed the contract on it after I stopped writing. All systems go for a June 17th closing, looking especially good since we ...

2. Sold our condo. In only a week, too! That was nice. A bizarre series of circumstances led us to get less for it than we probably deserved, but it's a long story and SO two months ago that it's not worth sharing here -- and consider yourself fortunate that I wasn't blogging at the time so that you didn't have to suffer through the minutiae of selling a home.

3. Made great advancements in Piper's potty training. You're thanking yourself for my lack of writing again, aren't you?

4. Ran again. Once. I felt like a 60-year-old. I was sore for three days. But the girl loved it. Of course, she was all snug in her jogging stroller. Tough life. And best of all ...

5. The Cubs are back in action. Good god, it's a wonderful thing. This is a subject you will not get to escape. Please remove me from your bookmarks now -- or trust that I'll make it as interesting as possible. The worst part of these three months off? Just before I stopped, I had finally caught up on reading Scandal's entire journal ... and now I'm three months behind again. *sigh* Time to dig in again ... Ahhhhh. It's nice to be back.

The trouble with Dennis.

I've had the most difficult time letting go of Dennis Miller. I've always respected him for knowing the limitations of his own talent, thus he is one of the few SNL alums to consciously not make a serious attempt at the big screen. Sure, he's had his missteps, but at least he is willing to take a few chances, and no matter how hard he falls on his face, he manages to protect himself.

And he is also not afraid to admit publicly -- very publicly -- that he has changed greatly in the last few years. He says that the events of 9/11 changed how he views the world and politics. What he means when he says this is that he has become conservative. Uncomfortably conservative. So much so, in fact, that he has stated in the pre-press for his new show on CNBC that he will not make any cracks against George W. Bush. He says he likes the President and he likes the job he's doing.

While any regular readers of this blog know, the value of Bush's presidency is an issue where Dennis and I will disagree. But the idea that a good comedian's politics would somehow make a subject -- any subject -- off-limits just seemed like a really, really bad precedent. I mean, it's not a censorship issue, by any means. It's Dennis' show, so whatever-the-hell he wants to do, that's his prerogative. And it's not like he'd be the first pundit-like semi-comedy, semi-news show to have an agenda. I just didn't see the move coming from Mr. Miller. So though I was surprised and perplexed by Dennis' decision to hold his tongue on all things Bush, I still had a little respect for the guy. What can I say: It's hard for me to say goodbye for good.

So I planned on watching the first week of the new show -- even if it was going to be a "Bush-free zone." I finally tore through the shows on my TiVo recently, so here's some belated thoughts several days after the event. Hey, it's the best I can do, what with the house purchase and all.

The first moment's of the series did not make me any less dubious. You pretty much expected one of his "rants" right off the bat, and a sort of rant came out in his preface, where a chimpanzee, which is credited as a "co-host" on the show, was used as a metaphor for all the balance Dennis hopes to bring to his TV audience. He hopes he can bring some levity and truth to the table, cutting through all the b.s. that we get all the time from politics. Again, these words seem much more hollow with his promise that the current administration will not be harshed on.

The chimpanzee (which he constatly calls a "monkey" over and over throughout the first week of the series -- I hope someone has set him straight by now) is a weak gimmick, and it's hard not to watch the "interaction" between Dennis and the chimp and wonder if, by Thursday, he was re-thinking the idea the same way that David Schwimmer has famously hated "Marcel" from his TV show.

Anyway, after the opening salvo, things got all soft as he lobbed Arnold Schwarzenegger some of the biggest softballs I've ever seen, basically framing questions in this basic fashion: "A lot of people seem to be upset about the Bush administration doing _______, but isn't he completely right to do it that way?" Keeping things nice and safe and basically handing everyone their talking points. Thus enabling them to seem quite earnest when, at the close of the interview, they each pipe up with "Congratulations on the new show, Dennis!"

Dennis attempts a sort of "Weekend Update" news segment he calls "The Daily Rorshach," but on three of the first four nights, it falls incredibly flat. The fact that they've gone without a studio audience makes things a little challenging for him, but we still hear the off-camera giggling of the crew, which always reminds me of the inane Talk Soup -- not a the type of programming that I would think a channel like CNBC necessarily wants to be likened to.

And then there's a panel each night, made up of one conservative (David Horowitz in the first week), one liberal (Naomi Wolf), and one celebrity, sometimes a politician and sometimes an entertainer from Dennis' past. (Martin Short sat in on Thursday night.) This could easily be the best part of the show, where there is the possibility of some good debate from some good minds. Unfortunately, Dennis (or his director) knows nothing about keeping things in any sort of control, and on most nights, when everyone wasn't talking over everyone else, Naomi was pleading with David to please, please, please let her finish her thought without him interrupting, and David insisting to Naomi that he wasn't interrupting.

Dennis was clearly uncomfortable the first couple of nights, but he was slowly finding his bearings by Wednesday night. The show might get better over time, but not without some changes. Like a small studio audience. Or perhaps less limitations on the subject matter. Dennis is still looking for a vehicle that fits as well as his HBO show was. Sadly, this isn't it. The good news, I suppose, is that I'm not going to have to keep watching. One week was enough to know that, conservative bent or not, this show was not a good exploitation of Dennis' strengths.

It's a hard breakup for Dennis and me. Luckily, he's trying to make it as easy as possible.

Maybe all is right with the world after all.

Some things that make me feel good about the world on this particular day ....

A small, sweet, non-formulaic film received official kudos from Hollywood. As much as I loved the film (It may have been my favorite film of last year -- but then, I'm a parent and I don't get to see all that many movies!), Lost In Translation not only got some nice Oscar nominations, it actually won a few Golden Globe awards, which probably help its chances to win some "golden naked men with swords."

And even TV got in on the "little-guy" act. Ricky Gervais' brilliant The Office also got some just desserts. The show is painful to watch sometimes, but in all the best satirical ways. I know I'm in the minority here, but while this show completely works for me, Curb Your Enthusiasm just bores me to tears. (Funny, usually the British show turns me off.) But then, I was never a die-hard Seinfeld fan; I liked the show alright, but my TiVo has never had a season pass for it.

The Bush administration is squirming. The whole WMD/intelligence/pick-and-choose-to-justify-the-war semi-scandal has really been fun. It feels in some ways like movies where the little guy fighting the vast corporation to prove something he believes to be true finally can rest and catch his breath as all is revealed. Do you know what I mean? And suddenly in the last week, Bush has had to reverse himself on the need for an independent investigation, and in a slightly related reversal, today announced all of a sudden that he supports an extra 60 days for the 9/11 commission to produce its report. And I also just heard that the President's approval ratings dropped below 50% for the first time. (Or was that just "the first time in quite awhile?" I'm not certain.) It's gonna be an interesting summer.

And oh my god ... I think we just bought a house. The contract isn't signed yet, but both parties have agreed to the terms. More on this soon, I'm sure. Yeah. Feeling pretty good.

The winner of the Superbowl: Muhammad Ali.

[I'm going to avoid discussion of Janet Jackson's boob right now ... and possibly for ever. This topic will undoubtedly be exhausted by the rest of the online and offline media in the next 48 hours. Good thing Howard Dean didn't do it, eh?]

A lot of "pre-game analysis" of this year's Superbowl commercials has focused on this being the 20th anniversary of the ground-breaking Apple Macintosh commercial. I still watch this commercial occasionally and am still impressed by it. And how many ads from 1984 do you think you could say that about? Not many, I assure you. And no ads this year carry that same kind of impact. There were a couple of surprises and a few interesting trends, but for the most part, the commercials that ended up showing didn't live up to the hype.

The most hyped element of this year's crop was the appearance of all three drugs for erectile dysfunction. Boy, did that turn out to be a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. Levitra had Mike Ditka talking to the camera, and Cialis just used an extended version of the commercial it has already been running. And Viagra? what happened to Viagra? They must have pulled out at the last moment, because there were no ads for it at all.

Oh wait -- there was one erectile dysfunction drug ad that was spectacular. In fact, it was, in my humble yet accurate opinion, the best ad of the entire evening. The music was current and inspirational. The main images -- a series of black-and-white images of hot men, sometimes alone, sometimes with sexy, lingerie-clad women coming in for the seductive, sweaty kiss -- were interlaced with some nods to recent culture: Five men walking in a line a la the Fab Five (they were even targeting gay men! How progressive!); a Keanu Reeves lookalike with slow-motion, pinpoint-precision moves; and Muhammad Ali "dancing" in the ring. (More on Ali in a moment.) Over all of that, you heard this:

Voiceover: You know the feeling. Every guy's had it. You're unbeatable. Unstoppable. You've got that walking-on-water feeling. You look, they smile. You win, They go home.

Wow. Now that is some seriously effective text. I know I'm ready to down a handful of these babies! Even the lyrics to the song playing underneath get the poing across:

The feeling that you get when you're at your very best. "

A unified message! And with the images, it's just damn sexy. Back to the ...

Voiceover: Yeah. and once you had that feeling, you want it back. There's nothing like it. It's the best.

Wow. I'm already half-undressed and preparing to go attack my wife. Just tell me, tell me, where can I get the drug?

Oh. Wait. The voiceover goes on ...

Voiceover: It's the feeling you get every day with the world's best shave. Mach 3 Turbo. It's like an angel by your side. Every move is smooth. every word is cool. Song lyrics: "The best and nothing less." Voicover: Yeah. I never want to lose that feeling. it's the best, man."

And then the familiar Gillette logo comes up on the screen: "The best a man can get."

This commercial pushed all my buttons. I think I watched it five times, and even made Laura come in and watch it. And I just wished that any of the actual ED drugs had taken a chance with something as effective as this ad. And the best news of all: I already use that razor!

I'm not sure where Mr. Ali has been, but he's back strong now: Not only was he in the Mach 3 ad, he also appeared in two other spots -- MTV's "Choose to Vote" campaign that led into the halftime show, and a surprisingly effective spot from IBM about Linux. In these two spots, he appeared in his current-day form, and he looked very, very sharp. Even his language seemed sharper (though he wasn't talking very much). I predict a major resurgence of ads for Ali over the course of this year.

After the Gillette ad, here were my other favorites, in order:

2. IBM & Linux. In a completely white space, a boy sits on a chair, watching a TV with old black-and-white footage of Muhammad Ali -- intercut shots of him boxing and him making one of his taunt-like "speeches" to the press. The boy is startling -- white-blond hair, white skin, piercing blue eyes, freckles -- in every physical way, the opposite of Ali. As the pitch increases, we see and hear a young Ali on TV say: "I shook up the world! I shook up the world!" Suddenly, the TV has disappeared and a present-day Ali is sitting in a chair facing the boy. He smiles and exclaims to the kid: "Shake things up! Shake up the world!" It's such a beautiful and inspirational spot that the Linux element of the ad doesn't matter -- it's just an amazingly positive image for Big Blue. Speaking of which: Not only does IBM now co-own the color blue (they share it with American Express), they have also taken effective control of the letterbox on your TV screen. The men and women who do their ads are truly inspired. (2nd quarter)

3. NFL Network: Tomorrow. Dallas Cowboys' coach (Bill Parcells) and owner (Jerry Jones) break into the famous song from Annie. Soon they are joined by many other football players in different locales, doing different things, but all singing (to greater but mostly lesser success) the song. The visuals conclude with a Jerry Jones double doing back handsprings across a football field. The text on the screen "As of tomorrow, we're all undefeated again." Truly inspiring! The NFL Network will be quite successful, I believe. Major League Baseball will have to catch up in a hurry. (Halftime)

4. Office Max: Rubberband Man. My love for this ad suprised me. The Spinners' famous mid-70s disco tune plays over many shots of a cool, big-afro'd office supply guy wheeling his wares through a large corporate high-rise, dropping off just the right item to workers just as they need it, and dancing and generally loving his work. Tagline at the end: "What's Your Thing?" The ad simultaneously makes you want to get up and dance with him -- and then watch it again to see what little moments you missed. Definitely leaves a lasting impression -- just a little better than Staples' ad (which was also good). (Halftime)

5. iTunes/Pepsi: Busted Kids. Over Green Day's cover of "I Fought the Law," we see several posed shots of the kids who were recently busted by the RIAA for illegally sharing music on the Internet. One girl identifies herself, her crime, and then announces that they are planning on continuing to download music for free, "and there's not a thing anybody can do about it." A great way to launch Pepsi & iTunes' campaign to give away 100 million songs from the iTunes music store. A real coup. (1st quarter)

6. Monster.com: I Feel Love. Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" plays over a series of very stylish images. I was surprised to see Monster.com -- or any dotcom, for that matter -- back in the Superbowl this year. Monster.com trusts pretty much at this point that you know what they do, so they can now frame themselves more with image. And they're doing a damn fine job of it. (3rd quarter)

7. Pepsi: Seattle 1953. Young boy walking down a street sees two soda machines on opposite sides of the street, both offering bottles for 10 cents. One is Coke, one is Pepsi. He looks back and forth a few times and finally decides on the Pepsi. As he tips his head back to drink it, he sees an electric guitar in the window of a guitar shop. Cue strains of Jimi Hendrix, as kid, who you suddenly realize is the spitting image of an 11-year-old Hendrix, falls in love with guitar in window. He looks across the street, and you see an accordion shop as an accordion version of the same Hendrix song plays. Text on the screen reads: "Whew. That was a close one." Pepsi continues to do a great job of winning the style war over the bigger, better-known brand. This oughta get them a few points closer. (4th quarter)

8. H&R Block. Willie Nelson Advice Doll. This one requires you know Nelson's tax troubles from several years ago. Several people consult a Willie "action figure" that gives a Magic 8 Ball-like response to their tax questions. Of course, the doll answers positively to some outlandish, most-definitely-illegal schemes. Kudos to Willie for taking the chance on banking on his troubles. That's what makes for a good ad. (If only Jessica Simpson had had the guts. with her Pizza Hut/Muppets ad!) (1st quarter)

9. Honda. Pilot: Feral husband. Wife explains to interviewer that the Pilot was the right car for them because her husband was raised by wolves. Many scenes show the man with wolf tendencies living in our normal world: He chases a possum under the Honda, he laps up water from the office water cooler spigot, he plays with squeaky dog toys while typing on his office computer. The crowning moment is when his son throws a rock into a lake on a camping trip ... and he bounds in after it without hesitation. The ad doesn't tell you much about the Pilot, but it wins the humor award for the night, hands-down. (4th quarter)

10. Visa: Snow Beach Volleyball. Four volleyball players march across the frozen tundra, strip down to their beach volleyball outfits, and start digging, setting, spiking, and diving in the snow. A wayward shot lands the ball in the water. A quick game of "evens and odds" is won by Misty, meaning that Kerri must go into the water to get the ball. The Visa voiceover guy announces: "Can't wait for this summer's olympic games? Neither can we." Just the sound of this guy's voice reminds us of Visa's close relationship with the Olympic games, and this ad works as a perfect reminder of that relationship, along with a building anticipation of the coming games this summer. (2nd quarter)

Words that feel good in the mouth.

I haven't been writing anything of much substance recently, but I hope to get back to it soon. We have been focused on the purchase of a house ... and we will be putting an offer down today. More on that later ... Meanwhile, class, here is your lesson. Remember, use these words in a sentence three times during the course of your day, and they will be yours.

Fortuitous.
Spatula.
Indefatigable.
Addendum.
Clever.
Colloidal.
Inflection.
Lugubrious.
Endeavor.
Chuckle.
Cacophony! (How can you write it wihtout the exclamation point?)

Recent quotes

"I am so enamored of oatmeal that there are days that I not only have it for breakfast, but also for dinner."

-- Kathy O'Malley

*** WGN radio personality Steve Cochran re-told the story recently of something that happened at one of the Chicago Cubs' postseason games at Wrigley last October. He was enjoying the restroom facilities on the club level, as was Michael Jordan. When Steve went to wash his hands (as any radio personality with good hygiene is wont to do), he overheard a fan in the restroom approach Jordan at a urinal.

"Wow, Michael Jordan! Can I have your autograph?"

To which Michael turned his head (but not the rest of his body) and replied with a line he must have rehearsed so many times in so many public restrooms around the world.

He said: "This isn't a pen."

***
"The level of illiteracy in our parents are appalling."

-- George W. Bush, to the Conference of Mayors

***
David Letterman's "unfair edit" of Arnold Schwarzenegger (he cuts and pastes bits of speech to create a new sentence the victim never uttered): "I'm a movie star with the leadership talent of a mastodon frozen in time."