One of the biggest problems I encounter on a regular basis — and I say this realizing that it will speak volumes about how difficult the life I lead truly is — is the fact that, when inserting a common consumer DVD movie into my DVD player, it takes ... oh ... about 15 minutes to get through all the crap at the beginning before I finally reach the DVD menu where I can finally start the movie.
I wonder how many of us still remember that one of the biggest things we gave up when we left the videocassette behind was the ability to fast-forward through the FBI warning and maybe a movie trailer before getting to the feature film we sat on the couch to enjoy. Those crafty film industry people made certain that — on a vast majority of DVDs, at least — there is absolutely no way to skip the all-important FBI WARNING that you had better not have a room full of admission-paying neighbors with popcorn tubs waiting to enjoy your personal copy of Xanadu. The warning, I'd like to note, that nobody reads because they're too busy pushing every button on your DVD remote to try to skip through the (not one but) two screens of 8-point-sized text about all the dastardly things they can do to you if you go rogue on them.
As if that's not enough, many DVDs also put that same "can't fast-forward" feature on the now numerous trailers stuck after the FBI warning but before you get to the menu. Now, like many, I love movie trailers at the theater. On the rare occasion that Laura and I actually get to take in a grown-up film without our children, we always make sure that we're there in plenty of time to soak up the nonstop highlights of the next Bond film and all the best jokes from the upcoming Adam Sandler flick. The problem with watching trailers on a DVD is that after you've seen the trailers once, you rarely need to ever see them again. After a few months or years, the trailers only serve to annoy you as much as the FBI thing. Yet each time you put the DVD back in the machine, you are once again promised the anticipatory tease of a movie that long ago saw its premiere in theaters ... and on HBO ... and on DVD ... and on basic cable ... and its network broadcast ... and finally in the big "bin o' movies" near the cash registers at your local Walgreen's. And still you can't fast-forward through it.
Now, I know that, on some DVDs, once you're past the FBI warning you can press your "menu" button and skip all that stuff. But I swear I'm finding more and more that DVDs remove that
Enter Disney, the land of imagineers to come up with a solution: Disney FastPlay!(I have to say: I was stunned to discover that Disney actually has an entire web site — with a lengthy FAQ — discussing this feature. I'm proud to bring you that link now! Please don't skim any of the materials. Read all of it.)
According to the web site, FastPlay is an "exclusive Patent Pending technology" (Yep! those Ps are capitalized, so don't mess with 'em!) featured on all Disney DVDs (mostly animated films — of which, I'm sure you're not surprised to learn, we have many in our house — but also some of the more grown-up movies to come from Disney) that on first glance appears to address my issue. "Consumers who don't want to use their remote," I am told, "can just put in the DVD and it will start to play the movie and a selection of bonus features." Awesome! Problem solved! the first time I saw this. It appeared that Disney had arranged for us to bypass all that crap and get to our movie fast.
Well ... no. When the FastPlay screen comes up, there are two icons on it: the "Disney FastPlay" icon, and a "Main Menu" icon. The first time I saw it, I quickly clicked the FastPlay icon ... and was rewarded with the first of the five or six movie trailers on the DVD. How is this fast? I wondered. I'm not watching my movie yet!
The FastPlay site promises that there will be no need for a remote control: "Disney's FastPlay plays the feature plus a selection of bonus features without pressing a button!" While this is technically true, what it actually does is play all the commercial trailers on the DVD — these must be the bonus features that they were just speaking of — before finally starting your movie. In other words, once you've pressed the FastPlay icon, your DVD does the exact same crappy behavior that it used to do before FastPlay was "invented." You are still sitting through all of the trailers. Nothing has changed ... except that Disney has now created Patent Pending technology to trick you into watching the trailers you used to scramble to skip.
In order to really get to your movie fast, you must avoid the FastPlay button; you must instead choose the "Main Menu" button, which bypasses all the top filler and gets you relatively quickly to your movie. But you had better be quick about it, becaue if you don't get to your remote and navigate off of FastPlay (Disney has helpfully made FastPlay the default button), it'll just choose it for you, and off you go to TrailerLand.
It just seems so typical of a large corporation like Disney to create a feature named in a way to make you believe it does something for you, when in fact it's simply doing something for them.
And yes, this is the kind of crap I am clearly reverting to think about now that the election is over.
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