Good dads plan good parties.

We're a little less than a month away from my daughter's second birthday. Planning is in full-swing. A lot of logistics still need to be worked out: Where to get the party favors, getting the invitations finished and in the mail, how many balloons will look like enough to fill the room. And most importantly, how to transport two adult African elephants safely to the Bahamas.

Every second birthday party has to have a theme. I'm thinking the direction we should go in is "regime change." The end of the second year and the beginning of the third year of life is a time when the child will most likely first realize that (s)he is not the center and circumference of his/her universe. It's important that we begin to introduce to her the notion that she no longer controls her parents and her world. We, in fact, control her. I'm sure this sounds harsh, but if the concept is introduced in a way that is not frightening but rather entertaining, she (and all her fellow party-goers) can have an educational, fun-filled birthday. Edutainment, if you will. (Thank you, CKB.)

Nonetheless, the artistic focus of the event will focus on "opulence." A local fabric store will send yards of rich fabrics -- dark colors along with some gold -- to the location, where party organizers will deck out the room. Also, several Persian rugs will cover the ground, including a custom-made 40-foot-long runner, over which all guests will walk when they arrive. Following the guests, Piper herself will enter, on the back of one elephant. Laura and I will follow on the second one.

At the close of the procession, we will have a short program of opening remarks by two members of The Wiggles. This is partially to set the tone for the day's event, but the speakers will also stand as representatives to everyone who has met our daughter, and they will offer testament to the joy she has brought to their lives. Then some additional speakers -- the list has not been finalized yet -- will keep things moving with lively presentations:

1. Piper's two grandmothers, who will explain with graphs and numerous adorable pictures how their granddaughter is clearly proof of evolution -- displaying the best genetic traits from previous generations.
   
   
2. Dusty Baker will talk for twenty minutes about the ways in which Piper is already beginning to show leadership skills. He will also encourage her to continue to work on her pitching skills and try to favor her left arm, if at all possible. He will also reserve ten minutes for a Q&A about his solution to the lead-off man problem with the 2004 Chicago Cubs.
   
   
3. Dave Eggers will read essays about a fictional road trip he took with Piper. A printed-and-bound version will be supplied to all guests as a party favor, with additional footnotes supplied by David Foster Wallace.
   
   
4. Steven from Blue's Clues will give a warm presentation on obeying your parents, and how life can't always be about you -- there are other people in the world. He will then solve a Blue's Clues mystery that shows how much better Blue's life is when she is selfless and shares.
   
   
5. After talking about the concept of "cooperation," Kofi Annan will lead the entire party in a rousing rendition of the alphabet song. The Austin Youth Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Maestro Daniel Barenboim, will perform the accompaniment, arranged by Thomas Newman, with a surprise piano solo by his cousin.

As the strains of the song die away, the room will darken and a large screen will drop from the ceiling. A fictional account of Piper's first two years, written and directed by Sofia Coppola, will receive its world premiere screening. Johnny Depp will play the part of the father, a caring man whose understated humor is always spot-on. Felicity Huffman will play the part of the mother, a beautiful and intelligent woman who handles the pressures of working full-time and parenting with the ease of a Chinese circus plate-spinner. The part of Piper will be played by Elijah Wood. The 20-minute film ("and I call it a film, not a movie") will be received to thunderous applause, and we will excuse Mr. Ebert from the rest of the party so that he can wire his review back to the States. Our publicist will also step away so that she can begin the Oscar nomination campaign for 2005.

And then the games begin. Outside the building, a cricket test match between New Zealand and India will be in full-swing. Follow the rock-lined path through the palm trees to the big orange flags and you'll find Joe Rogan hosting a special edition of Kids Fear Factor. (The theme: brussels sprouts!) Down by the water, the head coaches of the Carolina Panthers and the New England Patriots will lead the grown-ups in a flag football game. There will be an actual-size piñata of a tiger containing small nuggets of 24-carat gold along with the Kinder Surprise Eggs and hard-to-find but entertaining Japanese candy. Back at the resort's center, a version of "Velcro the Cell Phone on the Donkey" will be offered. Since we don't want to make any child feel like a loser, all participants will receive their own cell phone with a one-year contract, just for playing.

After our Carribbean-themed dinner is complete and each child has finished dinner (lobster tail with ketchup, animal cookies, apple juice, flan with raspberry sauce, key lime pie, and, of course, all of the bunny pasta you can eat), the chandelier above the table will lower to reveal David Blaine, tied in a straitjacket and looking a bit wan. He will mutter that he hasn't eaten in twelve days and that his fast is dedicated not only to all the wonderful fans out there who give him reason to live, but also to Piper. He will mean to say more but unfortunately will lose consciousness.

But the children will have already been distracted by the sudden presence of Elmo, who will thrill the audience with a full version of Elmo's World focusing on putting on diapers -- thus giving Piper a chance to thrill the crowd with her remarkable dexterity in diapering every stuffed animal in her room. Lastly, David Letterman will walk in with Harry tucked in his arm. Dave will present the "Top Ten Reasons Piper Will Be Potty-Trained During Her Third Year." And the dinner will officially close with a rousing (if slightly off-key) rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner," sung by former governor Howard Dean.

The day will wind down with a stunning sunset, and all the children, thoroughly exhausted and ready for a full night's sleep before they fly back to their comparatively dull lives on the morrow, will nod off contentedly after staring at the special party favor on the shelf of the dresser in their luxury-suite: a giant crystal goblet, with "Piper Jean Bailey's Second Birthday Extravaganza, February 26, 2004" etched on it, filled with water and containing a goldfish named "Dorothy." The nannies provided for each guest's child will be on duty while the adults enjoy a child-free evening of grown-up discussion, dancing, and cocktails, concluding with a live concert.

Anything I've forgotten? Let me know soon, 'cause we have to get crackin'.

Checklist:

• Charter plane.
• Create checklist of items invitees will need to pack. Don't forget to put "A present for Piper" on the list.
• Check into whether the guys carrying shovels are union or not.
• How the hell do you get up on and down off the elephant? Oh wait, I know. An airport staircase truck. Call Jason Bateman.
• In fact, let's put "A present for Piper" in boldface on that list.
• Set up 54 one-year cell phone contracts with Cingular in exchange for event sponsorship.
• Make sure someone is watching Blaine all the time so that he isn't cheating on the whole "fasting" thing.
• Call Mary Zimmerman, the director of the extravaganza, and ask her to hurry up with the list of personal needs for her suite.
• Arrange with the Sesame Workshop to give Kevin Klash time off for the party.
• Contact Whole Foods -- ship 20 lbs. of brussels sprouts to the Bahamas.
• Bring the potty seat. You never know.
• Run this all by Dr. Phil and make sure I'm not looking at major therapy bills later on down the line for her. The last thing I need is for this party to get expensive.